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thoughts on Orgasm control and edging

07/05/2018
I got a message and I thought I would share it with you . I think there is a great opportunity to learn here.
So here you go.
Hello Sir - I’m vetting a prospective sub and she told me that she has no limits regarding orgasm denial but she’s learned from experience that if she is put on a multi day denial she just sort of loses interest in sex or orgasms. She said if I really want to do denial as part of our dynamic the best timing for her is to allow her to cum every couple of days. Have you heard something similar ever? Or is she trying to top from the bottom? She seems very honest and self aware so I can’t decide.
In my experience with many girls I have found Straight-up denial can indeed cause the her libido to shrivel up. But is her solution the answer...?(nice try, subby girl). So, if you put her on an edge/denial regimen. She is to edge daily, but she doesn’t get the release of orgasm until you choose to end it. Trust me, her libido will be lit up like a road flare in a dark field at night, and there’s no risk of her “losing interest in sex and orgasms.” If anything, she’ll most likely walk around in a constant state of semi-rutting, with that constant excruciating, exquisite reminder that you own her orgasms now.
The other problem with denial and edging is that it can fuck with your brain chemistry. I used to give this warning to Doms, because you can use orgasms to regulate her mood. I had one slave girl if I didnt allow her to have an orgasm every few days or so, she could sink into a depression. and Or , if she was already sinking I could help her with an orgasm or two, I think you need to pay attention to how powerful the endorphins and lack of can be.
here is a note form a slave- "i also get the problem with libido going down. If i am denied with no edging, i get very meh about orgasms within a few days. Edging can help keep my libido up without orgasm, but it’s tricky, too. If i’m on the path to depression, edging can make me drop hard. i feel alone and isolated and unseen. But being edged by my Owner/a partner can make me feel safe and loved and wrapped in warmth. Being held as i come down from the edge, knowing i won’t orgasm. That is a powerful, connecting moment. Because what i need is the endorphins and the connection, not the orgasm. It’s just trickier to get those without orgasm. And hard to give up control for that reason."
Dominants need to understand that orgasms serve multiple purposes, not just sexual pleasure. They are also a powerful source of mood regulation. If your submissive is prone to depression or anxiety, denial may take away an important coping mechanism. So be prepared to replace it with other, stronger coping mechanisms.
You have to build the structure for understanding before you can take control. Require your submissive to tell you about their feelings. Build mechanisms for open discussion about what’s working and isn’t (meta-talks or check-ins). Learn when, why, and how your submissive orgasms before you start denial and edging. As a submissive/slave needs to know that you truly understand what it means to them when you say no, or your no feels hollow or disconnecting.
Quote for a slave-"I relate to this so hard. For a while when My Sir and I would casually tease and play he’d often ask me if I wanted to cum after being edged for a bit and I’d say no but not really think about why. We did this for a while until I/He realized that it was the connection I needed, not the orgasm itself. I needed to edge and come down edge and come down edge and come down bc it strengthened our connection. And that’s what I needed to feel. To feel owned and used and taken care of. It always makes it even better when he then cums in me and continues the edge and come down. *shiver*
“…until I realized that it was the connection I needed, not the orgasm itself.”
This learning process can be fun and help you create the connection you want with your slave.
I think it all boils down to the central concept behind a relationship – that it should be something that enhances your life, not detracts. In the context of a D/s relationship, from the D-side, I think this is expressed in the concept of ownership. I own her - not her orgasms – her; it is a comprehensive concept that involves a combination of leadership and thoroughly-informed/well-studied management exercised in the best interests of your property, with the goal of achieving the kind of relationship consistent with your joint vision.
A few years ago, a former submissive pet, who was a member of the military, asked me to assist her with a diet she wanted to complete prior to deployment. She wanted to reach a personal goal as she felt it would be helpful when operating in the desert environment. She could have done this herself but she felt it was easier to so in the context of our relationship as it just helped her maintain the discipline she needed to succeed. I had her clear our dietary plan with her physician; she did and with that I was happy to exercise this control. The point is, I got to know her well and to understand what would be healthy for her before I acted.
I see orgasms as a necessary biological function; not unlike eating, drinking, exercise etc. Orgasms serve a useful purpose in stress management, perspective etc. In the context of a relationship, orgasms can help to enhance and solidify the bond.
For this reason, I manage control of orgasms carefully. There has to be a productive purpose. Edging can be useful but it has to take place in an environment where she knows I am doing this to enhance her and our relationship and that I am aware of her needs. Let me repeat that; her specific needs. This means I have taken the time to really get to know her, to understand where she is trending, when she needs extra support, when she needs to be cared for and when I need to tighten my control/exercise discipline. It is through this lens – I affect ownership of her; responsibility for her well-being, her growth, her healing, her happiness and resonance in the relationship – and through that I exercise this Power exchange, Control of orgasms,it is just one tool in the box towards achieving our goals.
I hope you can see that with the right person and in the context of a structured relationship Orgasm control can be a benefit to the relationship and something very enjoyable for you both.

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